David P. Barry is an assistant professor of Early Childhood Education at West Chester University of Pennsylvania. He is the author of Addressing Stress with Self-Compassion: A Guide for Early Childhood Teachers and the creator and host of the interview/gameshow podcast, “I Still Believe in School.”
One of my favorite things about becoming a professor has been getting invited to give guest talks about my research on the importance of developing self-compassion skills within teachers. To date, I’ve done this for a couple of universities, early childhood groups, and a school district, all of whom were interested in supporting the emotional wellbeing of teachers or preservice teachers. Because I have seen and personally experienced how developing self-compassion can help teachers withstand the challenges and stressors of teaching, I say yes to these invitations as often as my schedule permits.
Like many public speakers, I perseverate over the appearance of my slide deck the days leading up to my presentation. Is this slideshow theme cute enough? Are the graphics helpful and engaging? Is there too much text on this slide? Is the text large enough on this slide? Is the color of the text easy to read on the background? are all questions I find myself obsessing about while putting together my slides to ensure that they look professional and will appeal to the audience. In other words, I get so worried about whether or not the appearance of my presentation will appeal to people that I often forget about the value of what I’m going to say. It’s never until the moment that I invite the people at my talks to experience self-compassion that I remember just how valuable that message is.
In every talk I’ve ever given about the power of self-compassion, I introduce the topic in the same way. Because everyone comes to these talks with a different idea of what self-compassion is—ranging from self-care to letting yourself off the hook for “bad” behavior (neither of which I would call self-compassion)—I have found the best way to come to an immediate, common understanding of self-compassion is to have everyone experience it. So, reader, if you’re willing, I’d like to introduce you to self-compassion by experiencing it—right now, as you’re reading this blog post—in the same way attendees at one of my talks would. I have adapted this from Neff (2011).
I want you to think about a mistake that you made recently at work. Nothing too serious, but something you did that’s still bothering you. Maybe you sent an email to the wrong person, maybe you yelled at one of your students out of frustration without getting all the information, maybe you missed a deadline. Whatever it may have been, take a moment to make a list of the words and phrases that come to mind when you think about yourself in relation to this mistake. What does your inner monologue have to say when you think about it? And yes—really write these down in a list.
Now, I want you to imagine that the person you care about most in this world made the exact same mistake. All of the conditions were identical—the only difference was that it was this person you love that made this mistake instead of you. What words or phrases come to mind that you would say to this person who is so dear to you about this mistake? Make a list of the words and phrases that you would say to this person who matters so much to you.
The last thing I want you to do is take a look at these two lists and compare them. How do you talk to yourself, and how you talk to someone you love about making the same mistake? Take a moment now to compare your lists.
It’s at this moment in my presentations that I realize my slides’ appearance couldn’t matter less. No one is paying attention to the color choices I’ve made or how cute my deck is. 99 times out of 100, the people I’m standing in front of have just made the incredibly difficult realization that they are significantly kinder, more generous, and more loving to the people they care about than they are to themselves. This is when they realize that self-compassion isn’t getting a pedicure or telling yourself it’s ok to eat three gallons of ice cream—self-compassion is treating yourself and talking to yourself like you would to someone you love (Neff, 2011). Shouldn’t “we” be someone “we” love?
Teachers are incredibly hard on themselves when they feel they haven’t done enough for their students. Though all of us teachers should strive to do our best for our students, many teachers are taking this to a level where the constant negative self-talk is leading to burnout, exhaustion, empathy fatigue, and in some cases, leaving teaching all together. You can’t be the best teacher to your students if you’re burned out or debilitated by stress. For all of these reasons, the time to start developing self-compassion—treating ourselves as we treat the ones we love—is now.
No one has ever commented on the size of text in my self-compassion presentations. No one has ever said “wow—now that’s a great color scheme for a slide deck!” Without fail, however, people comment that they didn’t realize how hard they were on themselves until they compared how they talk to themselves to the people they love. Though this is hard for people to come to grips with, the great joy for me in these moments is that I get to tell them that they can become more self-compassionate. Researchers have found time and again that people can learn to be more self-compassionate with practice; and, the more self-compassionate they become, the more likely they are to experience job satisfaction and the less likely they are to experience burnout and empathy fatigue (Barnard & Curry, 2012; Neff & Germer, 2013).
I have so much hope that the folks I get to share about self-compassion with take it forward in their lives, particularly those committed to supporting young children. If you noticed a difference in your two lists while you were reading this, I hope that you take heart in the fact that you aren’t alone and that by changing the way you talk to yourself, you too can become more self-compassionate. Above all else, I hope you might begin to believe that there is no greater gift you can give the people in your life than a more self-compassionate you. Believe me when I say: the people you love don’t give a hoot about what your presentation slides look like.
References
Barnard, L. K., & Curry, J. F. (2012). The relationship of clergy burnout to self-compassion and other personality dimensions. Pastoral Psychology, 61(2),149–163.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion. William-Morrow.
Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44.
Featured photo by Yan Krukau